Not ev’ry girl can get herself a guy who looks like Nick.
Wait, to tell the truth, it hurt my pride — the groom was prettier than the bride.
“Sadie, Sadie” from the movie Funny Girl
And then Sadie’s groom got her pregnant and abandoned the relationship in favor of gambling.
We fail in our love lives so much, even Hollywood tinsel can’t always make it look good, but it tries, as does the rest of the media. And what do we inquisitive beasts do when we think we’re in trouble? Even in matters of love, we look for answers.
A few million years ago, perhaps less, some ancestors of modern humans stood under the night sky, pondering the world they lived in. Two of these people were males, a father and son. The father then dispensed the first two items of advice ever given: 1) Where to hunt the fattest game and 2) how to seduce.
Relationship advice has existed for a very long time and when the evolution of media began, it didn’t slow down, it picked up. From the invention of the printing press, love was the topic du jour, and it still is. Run a few relationship questions through google and you get news stories like this:
10 Things You Don’t Know About Liars (with the url slug being, “/how-to-tell-hes-lying”)
27 Subtle Signs She Wants You
10 Signs a Man is Not Ready to Commit
5 Signs She is Into You
How to Tell if He is Already Married
None of these are from experts. None of these give citations or include scientific rigor of any sort. Most of the advice you find in stories like this is generic and terrible. They are written to get an audience reaction, they’re a social reinforcer, but they are also bad advice.
I wonder how many women wrongly suspected a loved one was lying because,as the “How to Tell He’s Lying” article suggested, he said ‘but’ too many times or because, as suggested by “How to Tell if He is Already Married,” he always schedules dates for the same time and day. In reality, some people simply suck at communication and may try to compensate by using a lot of conditional words and ‘but’ is the easiest to use conditional word that we have. Furthermore, most of us adults work and have schedules. These schedules restrict when we are available for social time, even to the point of creating only one decent night off per week.
It also sucks to think that a man might base his decisions to ask a woman out again or kiss her on if she conforms to a list of 27 signs. That article did list a few things sort-of correctly — lip-touching, mirroring and leaning-in happens more frequently when women are interested in someone (Moore, 1998) — but the article didn’t give reasons or citations for this, and it was slightly misleading even with valid information. It loses all that it might have gained from that, though, when it said, “Note: birthday girls of any age are easy–doubly so at decade markers.” and girls “bring up antimatter and black holes, or any other such pseudobrainy and vaguely sexual topic for discussion.”
Pseudobrainy? Pseudobrainy?! (I am pausing from writing this so I can grumble my offense under my breath).
The woo that goes along with relationship advice outnumbers the valid science tremendously (I really wish I had a statistic on this, but I don’t think there is one). Right now, pretty much anyone can write articles on dating advice and there is no consequence except the possibility for a fat paycheck for telling other people how to date. Just googling the words ‘dating advice’ by itself, with no question or added filters leads to a full page of websites, none of which are from experts of any related sort.
So what is there to do about this? Well, I think people need to arm themselves against dating woo as much as they do against any other form. People need to learn to use logic, science and critical thinking as much when they’re looking for relationship or sex advice as they are with any other important issue. If you see a dating advice article, look up the writer’s credentials and then look up the information given. Studies on courtship behavior have been around for quite a long time, they just haven’t managed to filter through to the mainstream media, for some reason. Since it is so difficult to find valid information, here are a few tips:
When you have a question about relationships, try to use more technical terms and use google. For example, proceptivity refers to the act of beginning and reinforcing a progression of a sexual interaction with someone. This includes anything from just getting a date to actually trying to get sex. You can also use terms like ‘mate selection’ and ‘psychology’ to try to filter out misleading articles. Also, remember to use Google Scholar to find peer-reviewed research.
Is that a lot of work just for a date? Yes, it is, but I hope you’ll thank me for it.
those books are hilarious! It’s like that Millionare Matchmaker show (which I saw once and was blown away by what kind of cootie ridden guy really hot women would date for a chance at being rich). Patti gives all sort of “advice”. Wear this, not that. Talk about this. She tries to remake the guys (who seem simply on the show to promote their business or perhaps just be on tv, it should be noted that the men that appear on the show don’t have to pay the fee to belong to her “club”). It’s fun tv, but real life? Is there a recipe for finding Mr. or Ms.Right? Not sure. My happily ever after was “you wanna go out?” “sure”. That’s about it.
So that means that IF I decide to go out on a date ever again, then I’m pretty much on my own in navigating my way through things? Considering that I was in a single monogamous relationship for just over 2 decades, I am likely screwed, not having a clue as to how to proceed in a quest for a new relationship. That is a terrifying concept. I just may embrace eternal single hood.
I remember watching an episode of a matchmaking show where this oily little man with a bit watch necklace was weeding out the competition of women vying for his dose of “lovin’. Please tell me modern dating is nothing like that!
haha! NO! I have decided on happily single ever after if the Pool Boy ever kicks the bucket, or runs off with a secretary. Mind you I don’t consider any marriage or relationship unsuccessful if you learned something, and maybe had kids or went on some good trips or have some happy memories. It’s like, if you don’t retire where you are working now, that doesn’t mean you had an unsuccessful job. Did you learn a new skill? Move to a place you liked to work better, but got a good reccomendation? Make some new friends at that work? Learned what you never want again from a job? What you do want from a job?
Whenever I read about “failed” marriages it makes me sad. Because, it’s not an exam. It’s life.
Oh thank you Kitty! You are so right. I did gain much, more then I often realize, and the road to independence as a woman not connected to another in legal respects is proving to be just as educational, as connectivity was. I am suspecting my new life will be a grand adventure, and I am going to try to enjoy every moment.
There are things that might be good to know when trying to date. I can probably write more about that, later. The things you may want to know, though, are just not found on the typical dating advice website or article. Instead, I found very useful information in my behavioral science books, after my own divorce. If it is something you are interested in, I can dig out my sources and get an article up on that.
Until then, you can do as I mentioned and look up studies on behavior and dating. They aren’t hard to find once you use the right words in your google.